Film Reviews: Brandon Judell
Don't Tempt Me
Director: Agustín Díaz Yanes
Cast: Victoria Abril, Penelope Cruz, Demiàn Bichir, Fanny Ardant, Gael
Garcia Bernal
Tom Cruise might not be gay, but his galpal Penelope Cruz finally gets to play "queer" in "Don't Tempt Me", a film which deserves the tagline: "Life might be hell, but this film is worse."
According to the truly godforsaken screenplay, it appears the good guys, the angels, are losing the battle on Earth. Everybody down there is pretty rotten, and heaven's getting depopulated.
Suddenly, the whole existence of Good hinges on saving the soul of Manny (Demiàn Bichir), a really vile boxer. To get this misogynistic bastard to commit some good deeds before he dies, a nightclub-singing angel, Lola Nevado (Victoria Abril), is recruited to be his wife.
When the Chief Executive of Hell, Jack Davenport (Gael Garcia Bernal), learns of this paradisical plot, he enlists the sultry Carmen Ramos (Cruz) to play Manny's dastardly long-lost evil cousin . Her task: entice Manny into croaking before he can be redeemed.
Now, during her free time, when she's not supervising employees at a supermarket (don't ask!), Carmen reads girlie magazines, dresses in men's suits, goes out with the girls, and has the hots for Lola. Lola, shockingly, finds herself being intrigued by Carmen's flirtations but she does have to save Heaven, so will she crossover?
Or will the vicious lesbian cop who constantly pops up on the scene get one of the girls first?
You won't care. This sickly satire on the state of humanity is so poorly acted, unfunny, unpleasant, and violent towards women, that instead of getting turned on or being amused, you'll find yourself struggling between two states of mind: cringing and staying awake.
On the plus side, there's a good chance that Carmen is not really a lesbian. You see, in Hell, being female is the most dreadful punishment one can receive, so Carmen might just have been a guy once.
Satan, however, now has a new torture. Showing eternal sinners "Don't Tempt Me" from morning to night will really get them screaming for forgiveness. [Judell]
Copyright © Brandon Judell 2003
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